Every time I speak to one of my habitually single girlfriends, I hear them bemoan the “fact” that every guy they meet is either a creep, a loser, a pervert, unemployed, commitment-phobic, married, or gay. They constantly whine and lament the dearth of eligible single men and that the reason they are single is that they cannot meet a quality man. Meanwhile, men also complain and grumble that they cannot meet a quality woman. That women are not interested in nice guys, only bad boys. And while there is some truth to this (click here to read about the men that turn women on), not all women are interested in bad boys.
Dispelling the Myth: All the Good Men Aren’t Taken
So where does this disconnect come from? There are plenty of good men available and ready to find a good woman to date and settle down. It strikes me that women have succumbed to a common notion and cliche that eligible men are just not available–that all the good men are taken. And while many women looking to find a quality man, keep meeting low-quality people, the truth is that these women are focusing on the wrong qualities when looking to find a potential future husband or mate.
“There are plenty of available men out there. The problem is that you are stuck in a cycle of choosing unavailable men.”
Let me shatter the myth: All the Good Men are NOT Taken!
So why aren’t you meeting quality men? Let’s address five areas which I think may be holding you back from meeting quality men and have you believing the myth that all good men are taken.
1. You May Be Guarded Because You Fear Rejection and Heartbreak
First and foremost, ask yourself this question: Am I really interested in meeting a quality man who can be my one and only, my life partner? Or am I so afraid of getting so rejected and hurt that I rather shut myself off to the possibility of putting myself out there and meeting people? You see, a lot of women, (and men), would rather make excuses and not even try to meet new people. Why bother, they say, since I’m not ever going to meet anyone. I’ve met and heard from a lot of readers of this site who say to me, “What’s the use? Everyone I meet turns out to be not the person I thought he was.”
“In the game of love, we will all get hurt. It’s knowing that this is how the game is played, picking yourself up, dusting yourself off, and getting back in the game.”
What these women don’t realize is that they’re picking the wrong men and then using the inevitable heartbreak and deception as a defense mechanism to avoid further hurt. They continue to reinforce a self-fulfilling prophecy. But unfortunately, in the game of love, we will all get hurt. It’s knowing that this is how the game is played, picking yourself up, dusting yourself off, and getting back in the game.
2. You Have to Kiss a Lot of Frogs to Find Your Prince
Which leads me to the second point. It’s all a numbers game. If you’ve only dated a few men and nothing has come from it, then most definitely, you have to go out and meet and date more men. It’s about increasing your odds of meeting the right person. You’ve heard of the old saying that you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your prince. And this is absolutely true. Each frog you meet may be a prince in disguise but if just so happens that that frog is not YOUR prince. Keep kissing frogs.
“You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your prince. Keep kissing frogs.”
3. You Need to Break the Negative Patterns
Third, why are you picking the same low-quality men? Because you’re repeating the same patterns. I wrote an article about the self-sabotaging behaviors that prevent women from finding true love and if you regularly find yourself in relationships with men who cheat on you, then you have to step back and analyze why you’re repeating this pattern. The problem is that you are perpetuating a cycle in choosing unavailable men.
I have a friend who was devastated when she found out her boyfriend of two years was having an affair. My friend, we’ll call her Cynthia, was heartbroken. But here’s the thing, Cynthia actually met him while he was married. Cynthia was the mistress! And he left his wife and his family for Cynthia. So why would Cynthia be surprised that he repeated the same pattern? Cynthia was the recipient of infidelity this time. And boy was she heartsick over it. She wallowed in self-pity and heartache as she told me that she could never trust a man again and how there weren’t any good men out there.
Can you see the mistake Cynthia made and her lack of self-awareness about her situation? She had become involved with a man who was unavailable. He was a cheater, and once a cheater, most men will cheat again. The old adage, they leave you the same way they come to you, was made true in her situation. She picked the wrong man and when things blew up in her face, her negative expectations were reinforced.
4. Don’t Settle, but Don’t Have Unrealistic Expectations
Don’t settle, but don’t have unrealistic expectations–A lot of women still want what I call the unicorn man. The one who doesn’t exist. He embodies all the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual qualities that a person would have if he were a demigod, probably the offspring of a god and a mortal. But this demigod unicorn does not exist. And while there are certainly non-negotiable qualities that you shouldn’t compromise just to be in a relationship, you should eliminate some arbitrary expectations that limit the pool of men who don’t meet those expectations. You know what these qualities are you absolutely cannot bend on and which ones you could probably live with. You’ll have a greater pool of eligible candidates when you expand your list.
“A lot of women want the unicorn man–the one who doesn’t exist.”
Let’s take for example a woman in her thirties who does not want to date a divorced man or a man who has children. This is a limiting belief and one she might need to reevaluate as one of her non-negotiables. Statistically speaking, most men start to consider getting married between the ages of 24-33. Most men who are in the market to marry end up doing so by their early to mid-30s. So it is improbable (not impossible) for a woman in her mid to late 30s to find a man who’s never married and doesn’t have children. If this particular woman persists on the idea that divorced men or divorced-with-children are out of the question, she is seriously restricting and limiting her odds of meeting an eligible man.
5. Don’t Pick Emotionally Unavailable Men
Are you picking emotionally unavailable men–You may be striking out in the love department because you are meeting men who do not want to commit. They are emotionally unavailable. Interestingly enough, many men who are emotionally unavailable tend to be players. So are you drawn to slick and smooth-talking boys? Why do you continue to pick these men? And how can you tune your radar so that you steer clear of these players?
The problem lies in the makeup of the emotionally unavailable player. You may think he is the greatest thing that ever happened to you because he flatters you, he boasts of his (unsubstantiated) accomplishments, and how attracted he is to you. He makes you think you’re a goddess and he’s here to make all your dreams come true. You fall for it. He does all this to get you in bed. Once you become sexually intimate, he dumps you like a hot potato. He’s conquered you. And that’s what players do. You’re just a notch in his belt, and now you feel used and betrayed. Be smart when it comes to identifying these manipulative men and steer clear.
There are Plenty of Eligible Men Who Want to Be In a Committed Relationship
In the end, realizing that there are no perfect people out there, you included, will give you a more grounded and realistic perspective about love and relationships. Becoming more self-aware about your expectations, limiting beliefs, and destructive patterns will help you become more self-assured as a person and you’ll be able to avoid the mistakes of the past. You won’t repeat the same patterns where you choose low-quality men and then end up getting hurt.
Work on yourself and know that there are still a lot of good eligible men wanting to be in a committed relationship. Next time you hear that all the good men are taken, know that it is a false narrative and recognize it as a limiting belief that is blocking your chances of finding true love.